Whether it’s high board or synchronised, diving has become increasingly popular, and in no little part thanks to the gays. ‘Gayness’ seems to be almost a prerequisite for the sport with big names such as Tom Daley and Australia’s Matthew Mitchum taking part.The sport was even the inspiration for ill-fated reality competition ‘Splash,’ hosted by none other than Daley.. If there was a sport most likely to attract dolphins as competitors diving is definitely the one and we all know how gay dolphins are. As sports go this one has everything. Strength, style and tiny trunks.
2. Water Polo.
Staying in the water for a moment can we just acknowledge how little body hair water polo players are sporting, not unlike Olympic swimmers. However where the polo players have it over their ‘straighter’ counterparts is what’s going on beneath the water. Have you ever watched that underwater cam at a water polo game. Everything is going on down there; from entwining legs to straight up crotch grabbing. Water polo is pretty gay from where we’re sitting.
What’s that I hear you say? All those burly straight guys? All those accusations of sexual assault against women? Surely this is one of the straightest sports. Well we beg to differ. What’s a scrum but a giant group hug, as close as you can get to an gay orgy with clothes on. Add to that the amount of short grabbing and butt slaps, Rugby is up there on the ‘gay’ scale.
This one is pretty straight forward (no pun intended). Lots of guys prancing about, all in white, trying to stick each other with long pointy things (I hear they’re called foils, more like phallic spoils, am I right?). Competitors ‘score’ when they manage to prick their opponent. This is also one for those BDSM guys out there, if you’re into mask play and a little controlled violence, then fencing is the ‘gay’ sport for you!
5. Figure Skating.
This is as close as you can get to dancing whilst being considered a legitimate sportsman. Sure, it’s got the colourful skin tight costumes, the postures, the elegant gestures, the spins! But unlike ballet which is barely a physical activity, figure skating is widely considered an actual sport. It’s proximity to dance, which we all know is a big gay endeavour, makes this one truly a ‘gay’ sport.
6. Drag Racing.
Oh wait… I just got that. Don’t worry that one’s just a fun play on words. Back to the list.
Let’s start with the outfits, right done that… Moving straight along to the upper body strength. We know gays love to pump it out at the gym often skipping leg day in pursuit of the perfect upper body and, well, gymnasts have it in the bag. And let’s not ignore the pink horse in the room. Everyone knows homosexuality is akin to bestiality and no other sport has an apparatus known as a ‘pummel horse.’ Get it? If your palms are getting sweaty over that one don’t worry there’s a bucket of chalk somewhere nearby. I think I’ll just salute with a flourish and leave that one on the mat.
One word: shoes!
9. Wood Chopping.
We’re all about inclusion here and while we’ve covered sports more likely to attract a twinky hairless participant, it’s time to give those Daddy Bears their turn. While not an Olympic sport, many a childhood fair was spent watching a wood chopping competition at my parent’s insistence. Little did they know! These sportsmen have got it all. Body hair and muscles, sometimes a cheeky denim cutoff, and boy do those rugged axeman know how to handle some wood. Did someone say sweaty vest?
10. And finally. Wrestling.
I mean… Come on!
And there you have it. You’ll notice netball and indoor volley ball didn’t make the list. I guess they’re just not ‘gay’ enough. So the next time you’re debating whether darts is a man’s game or if curling even exists, you’ll be well equipped to inform your slightly fey friend which sports would most compliment his predilection for designer bags and skin care. Happy sporting!